Good Riddance, 2020

T minus 3 and counting down to the end of this dumpster fire year. At least in a few hours we can all rehash the joke that hindsight will, quite literally, be 2020.

I’ve been trying to write a post for days, for weeks even, and am honestly torn between having too much, and at the same time nothing, to say.

Usually, I just write from the heart, but have been feeling this slow building pressure which has now reached its boiling point and is about to spill over. All throughout December, I put off finalizing something, until now – hopefully getting it in just under the wire.

This year has been -and I am not saying this to be dramatic- the absolute worst. Even before the pandemic exploded in America, 2020 was terrible. In February, I officially hit the bottom I’d been waiting to crash into for four years. Then, in March, my literal nightmares became reality. Collectively, we all tried to navigate something that, as I often joked, my feeble human mind had trouble wrapping around. Throughout this year, we’ve all reacted in different, often polarizing ways.

In April, when people were starting to pivot, I challenged myself to write daily. Even scarier, I chose (sometimes forced myself) to post those ramblings. After receiving positive feedback, when an opportunity to begin a blog presented itself, I dove in without allowing myself time to agonize over the decision and ultimately talk myself out of it, like I’ve done countless times before.

The plans were so grandiose. And they might still come to fruition, if I stick with this.

In the beginning, the goal was to post once a week. That quickly dropped down to once a month. And while I’ve managed to do that, it’s been hard, because too much energy is spent wondering ‘what if?’ instead of actually doing.

What if people don’t like what I have to say? What if I never get any better? What if only the negative is highlighted and I alienate people? What if no one cares enough to listen? Why put myself through that? Isn’t it easier (and comfier) to just hide out in bed, especially after we just upgraded our pillows?

No.

Isn’t that essentially what I’ve done for the past few years? I know the time is coming when it will be explained further, where the why of the past few years will be explored, but for now, it’s more important to remember why I began this journey in the first place.

To get out of my comfort zone. To gain a portfolio. To learn SEO. To hone my writing skills. Most importantly, to hopefully help someone in the way that I wanted to be helped. To be for others what I want them to be for me, or even to be that for myself. To connect.

This past year involved inflection and the exploration of a lot of themes. Time was taken to figure out an exact course towards the place I want to be. It won’t happen overnight. It probably won’t happen next year. But maybe the one after that. And at least now I finally have an idea of where I’m going.

So many times in 2020, I gave myself a gold star and a pat on the back for getting through the day, or the moment. Just because it may have been worse for some doesn’t mean it was a cakewalk for others.

And now, with hours to go, what’s the plan? I don’t really do resolutions, because I don’t think a new year matters as much as a new mindset, and that can happen at any time.

So I post this, even though it’s not to my standards, because I promised myself I would post something.

And in the meantime, I will continue to reflect, to push myself, to learn to be ok with failure, to try, and to try again.

A very Happy New Year to you and yours. We got through this.