The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions

Please read Part 1, here.

I had needed a break, and I was handed one. Now, I just needed to use the opportunity.

And then, something serendipitous happened. I found my dream job, at my dream company. What were the odds?

I worked to revamp my resume, wrote a cover letter, and mailed it off first thing one morning. Within hours, an interview had been set up. It went well and checked all the boxes: interesting work, nice people, and I absolutely loved the product. Leaving the office, I felt really good. It was the first time in months.

Around the same time, I had an interview with another company, doing work similar to what I had previously done. Since that work had left me unfulfilled, I went with the intention of practicing my interview skills.

That interview was the complete opposite of the first: full of red flags. Hard to explain, as it was simply a feeling, but that place exuded a negative energy from the moment I walked through the door. I tried to be fair. In dissecting all of the flags I saw, nothing seemed too bad on its own. But when put together, and coupled with my gut, I was more relieved than happy when I left.

I received a call back that evening saying they wanted to hire me.

One interview had left me feeling energized, and the other left me drained. There was also pressure to accept immediately – another red flag.

At the time, I read a lot of Ask A Manager, so I understood office norms – as much as one can. I tried to get as much time as I could to make a decision, and reached out to the first job to explain the situation and see their status.

A part of me hoped they were impressed enough to accelerate their process and hire me. They did not.

My options were to wait and see with the dream job, or take the one offered.

Which I did. Besides, having a job makes you more desirable, right?

Due to a miscommunication, the dream company thought I withdrew my application. Finding that out was a punch in the gut, and made me wish I had let the situation play out on its own. Holding onto that possible opportunity was one of the few things I had any hope left for.

But things worked out the way they worked out. I had a job. Unfortunately, I wasn’t happy there, as that bad energy I had felt bled out into every aspect of my life. Once again, things felt out of control.

I won’t sit here and nitpick all of the issues. I will say I wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

After a few months, I was looking to get out, and had some promising leads, none of which panned out. At one point, I came across another dream job, for a company that I was also very interested in. After the interview, I walked out feeling really good – again.

And again, I didn’t get the job (but did receive some invaluable feedback). The main issue was timing; it was hard to really sell myself when I was feeling so low. I should never have let a job, a person, or any outside influence, affect me so deeply.

Next came the work from home orders. Grateful to still be working, what I didn’t appreciate were the strings that seemingly came with it. Even being stuck apart, the issues with the company were somehow exacerbated tenfold.

So many people, friends included, were laid off or furloughed. Grateful to still have income and one less thing to worry about during such a trying time, what I hated were the guilt trips about how we were lucky. The job was like a carrot being constantly dangled in front of us, to be taken away at any moment to prove… I still don’t know what.

The team was working harder than ever, around the clock. Being treated like the job was a favor just seemed spiteful.

Burnout had been slowly creeping up, but it was finally full-blown. I was done.

A promise was made: within a year, I would no longer work there.

This promise was kept, although it didn’t happen in any way I could have imagined. This was around the time I ended up in the ER.

I had to quit to focus on my health and recovery.