See Me As I Am, Not as I See Myself

For the last few months, I’ve been trying to hide. Uncomfortable with all eyes on me, I’ve often changed or toned down things to appease others. I’ve hidden parts of myself that I found… unsavory. I haven’t even posted anything because I didn’t think anything I wrote was good, or any thoughts I had were valid.

A part of it is being a perfectionist while trying to be everything to everyone else. I’m never included in the collective everyone, and yet, I should be high up on my own list.

It’s not selfish.

Even though I’ve been told it is.

Unless others want to put me first, why shouldn’t I?

I once heard the quote, “You can lie down for people to walk on you and they will still complain that you’re not flat enough.” There’s just no pleasing some people. And I need to remember that’s not on me, but on them.

A big part of my current journey is reconciling my thoughts and actions; learning to accept and even lean into them.

I recently has an OCD relapse. I hadn’t had one in years, so it was a bit of an unwelcome surprise. When I spoke to a friend about it, she simply told me that my feelings were valid, they make me who I am, and I am wonderful (not verbatim, but that was the gist of it).

Honestly? It wasn’t the response I had prepared for. It was so much better.

It felt amazing to feel validated. To feel seen. Completely the opposite of how I treat myself.

Ninety nine people could compliment me and one could criticize, and I’d believe the one.

It’s something I’ve been working on for longer than I can remember. How to quiet the critic, whether internal or external.

I don’t yet know the answer. Every time I think I might have it, something inevitably occurs to make me question what I thought was a truth.

Every time my esteem soars, something will happen to knock me back down a peg… or off the whole ladder. But I continue to work at it.

Last time I fell completely off. This time, it was only a few steps down.

I once explained this to someone, and they said I was brave.

I don’t see how being vulnerable makes me brave. It just makes me honest. And I want to be honest with others, in hopes of connecting with them.

I want to share with others in the hopes that something I write will resonate with them, even if it’s just a single sentence.

For that to be my truth, I can’t continue to hide. Whatever is at my core will inevitably come out anyway… hiding it only suppresses it.

So this is my attempt at being the brave person someone else sees me as. Here is me, once again, putting my thoughts out there for anyone to see.

Terrifying? Yes. But being seen is a feeling I need to get used to.