Plateau or Progress?

It’s been exactly two years and two days since my (first) surgery. Two years to the day for my second. Over the last week, it’s hit really hard, as it periodically does. Everything will be moving forward, and then something will happen to push back progress. Sometimes it’s a physical setback. Sometimes, it’s mental. Often, it’s both.

Last week, while trying to prove my worth, I overexerted myself and hurt my back – not to the point of where I was several years ago, but enough for it to affect me both mentally and physically. Enough for the people around me to notice that something was up.

I came home and cried.

I still can’t wrap my head around what happened. I still don’t fully accept the hand I was dealt – I handle it to the best of my ability. Often, that means that I’m self-deprecating and try to laugh about it and make jokes. If I don’t, I’ll break down. Usually, poking fun of the situation is enough to get me through, but sometimes there’s just get an overwhelming sense of… irritation? anger? sadness? that I have a disability. Invisible, but it’s there. I still can’t, and may never again, be able to do things that so many people just take for granted.  And there are so few people I can even talk to about it, because not only is it upsetting to admit that I. Can’t. Do. It. but it’s embarrassing to actually admit the things that I can’t do.

Some people may have this point may be wondering, what can’t you do? And let’s just say that I really enjoyed talking to mom friends about the situation, because they understood. They made me feel less alone.

Two years was the amount of time given for progress. Now, I don’t fully trust doctors. When this all started, I remember being told that I should hit a certain milestone at three months… and it took about double that amount of time to actually reach it. So I take what they tell me with a grain of salt (and sometimes a shot of tequila). But a lot of people that do have the same syndrome say two years is the timeline. Two years of progression, and then it plateaus.

Two years is now. Is this my plateau? For someone that tends to live in the past, or the future, it’s very odd to try to live in the moment. To take things as they come, day by day, and not ruminate on what was, or dream of what might be.

Sometimes, people ask me about it, and I like that. For an event that was such a defining point in my life, I tend to talk about it very vaguely, if at all. When people ask, it feels like they actually want to know what happened… want to know me.

Trying to navigate who I am now is sometimes so clear, and other times so confusing. Much like dealing with a disability, I guess the goal is to just take things day by day. And on the days where I don’t have an answer, I’ll just make a joke, at my own expense, and hope people laugh with me.