Memorializing on Memorial Day

For days, I have been trying to figure out what to say. I was every writers block cliché, where the writer sits in front of an empty page, or an empty screen, and after hours and hours of “work”, they cut to the paper, or the screen, and mayyyybbbbeeeee there’s a title written down.

I’m not even sure why it ‘s so important for me to write. Maybe to get out of my own head for a bit. Maybe to try to memorialize who my dad was. Maybe it’s because my domain just renewed, and I must have previously had a promotional fee, because this charge was through the roof, so I’d better actually utilize what I paid for.

Dad kept a journal from 2 trips we took from 1993-1994; one was a week in Key West during Christmas and New Years, and the other was a 4 week “Trip Around America”, through Pennsylvania, Texas, and Tennessee, taken after I graduated elementary school. I wanted to share a few excerpts.

The first was written at our campsite in Key West, after he witnessed some kids throwing rocks at birds, and heard the thud of a rock hitting its target. He told the kids to stop, twice. When they didn’t, he went to the campground office to speak with the manager about it.

“Amanda asks me why I had to say something to them and I tell her that what they were doing was not right and that someone has to say something if they see a wrong being done. Too many people remain silent and that is why there is so much crap going on in the world. People are afraid and would rather remain silent. She tells me that she is glad that I have the courage to stand up for what I believe in.

Later that evening, a guy comes up to me. He is staying in the tent site next to the people and he tells me that he wants to thank me for having the courage to go over to those people and say something. I tell him thank you but that it is not a question of courage. It is a matter of seeing a wrong being committed and speaking up for it. This, to me, is a wronging of nature rather than a wronging by man’s law. The way I feel, wronging nature’s laws is far worse than a wrong of man’s laws. Maybe it does take courage. I wish more people had courage yet, in a way, I cannot be concerned with what they do, only with what I do.”

The next 2 are from our snorkeling excursion from that same Key West trip:

“I move out from under the cabin and sit out front, near the netting that separates the 2 hulls. I motion for Amanda to come out and sit with me but she says no. Sometimes she is so timid and shy, to the point of being afraid to do anything. I am trying to figure out where this comes from. I cannot recall, in any of my interactions with her, my showing her any fear towards life. Quite the contrary. I try to show her that life is beautiful and that at every turn, there is a wonder and awesomeness. Yes, there are problems and difficulties that will arise and will sometimes cause fear to rear its ugly head. But I have tried to show her that you should not allow the fear to prevent you from action. Then I realize that she is who she is. All that I can do is show her; I cannot force her. I can be there for her if she needs to, but I cannot make her into something that she is not. All I need to do is love her and to show her that love.

Eventually she does come out of the cabin area and sits with me. See, it just takes time.

After a short time, she is really beginning to enjoy it. There are no clouds in the sky, it is warm with the sun shining down on us. It is wonderful.”

“I am proud of Amanda. She does not allow her fear to inhibit her from action. And even though she was not out there for a long time, she tried it. Good for you Missy.”

At the end of that trip, after dropping me back at Mom’s;

“Although we had a couple of disagreements, I really love going away with Missy for Holiday. I feel that the time we spend together is very qualitative. … I love you with all my heart Missy.”

This next except is from the beginning of our “Trip Around America” – even though we only made it as far west as Texas. This was written in the beginning, as we started with Hershey Park;

“Missy and I then sit around talking about a lot of things The concert, what we will do at Hershey Park tomorrow, the trip and what we will see and of course, things in our life. It is so beautiful being with her. I love my time with her and often, I thank existence for bringing this beautiful soul into my life and allowing it to take care of her. I love her so much.”

Finally, I’d like to end with this one, which was written after meeting 3 sisters at a water park and spending the afternoon and dinner with them;

“Amanda is experiencing the joy and too sadness of travel. I tell her that with every beginning, there has to be an ending. It is the way of life. If she remains in the moment, in its totality, then she can just be and much will be understood. I know how difficult it is for a child, but if the right foundation is laid early, then later in life, everything can be built on it. I tell her I love her and how much fun I had today.”

The last few years were really hard for both of us. But that’s not what I want to remember, nor is it what I remember now, when I think of him.

I remember how he used to make me pancakes, and he would make smiley faces, or hearts, and call them Specials.

I remember all the times we went to Hershey Park (9 times in 11 years), and how he was so good at skee-ball, he’d win me entire families of stuffed animals. My favorite was a pink dog with red ears, which I had all 4 sizes of.

I remember listening to Pat Benatar, and Tevin Campbell on Kiss FM, and CBS FM back when it played golden oldies. He hated rap, but for some reason loved Blackstreet’s No Diggity. We’d sing along to TLC’s What About Your Friends, and Mary J. Blige’s Reminisce.

I am still in shock that I’ll never hear his voice again… except that I still have his voicemails. I have journals. I have tons of pictures. I have my memories, and the lessons he taught me. His legacy lives on through me, and I feel it necessary to do my best to preserve it.