The Year Of Cringe

Seeing everyone post their New Years Eve photos, where they’re all dressed up, out at parties, kind of makes me mourn for the Amanda I used to be, and also makes me realize that this is, in it’s own weird way, the perfect start to this year. 

The biggest part of last year (or, y’know, yesterday) was admitting certain truths. Coming to terms with certain… inevitabilities. In this case, I’m referring to how little I matter. It’s not even something to be sad about… No pity. No poor me, or woe is me. Just coming to terms with something that’s simply a truth. 

I can hear you asking, “how can you say that?” Or maybe it’s just me playing Devil’s Advocate. And to that, I respond: People prioritize things that are important to them, and if I’m not prioritized, it stands to reason that I don’t matter. 

It’s not that they don’t love me, or care about me. It’s that I don’t even register. 

I’ve felt this way for far too long. Truth be told, it used to make me cry. Now, I just feel a sort of apathy. Not caring has allowed the last piece of the puzzle to fall into place. If I’m no one’s priority, I will prioritize myself. 

And I shouldn’t even need to say this, but I will, because someone, somewhere, needs to hear it: that is not selfish.

I already said that this is the Year of Cringe. The year of not wasting energy on things that, ultimately, don’t matter. The year of putting myself first, because why shouldn’t I? 

Of course I’m the main character of my story. That’s how it should be. 

And yet…

There are so many things I don’t (or won’t?) do, out of fear. Fear of being judged, fear of the unknown. I don’t want to hurt people, so I try not to make any waves, ruffle any feathers, or do anything that will in any way draw any attention to myself. 

But this isn’t living. 

And it’s not conducive to living the life that I want. 

Doing nothing has gotten me nowhere, and I’m finally ready to go somewhere.

In order to do that, I have to go through a very cringey phase. 

Think of it like watching an artist. If you compare their first piece to their last… it’s almost guaranteed that the first piece sucks. But only by creating it could they get better, and grow, and become who they were meant to. 

This is where I’m at. Finally figuring things out, and taking steps to move forward, because I’ve spent way too long standing still. I care too much about things that don’t matter, and don’t care enough, don’t put my energy into things that would make a difference.

So this year will be a journey. Hopefully, at the end of it, I can look back and have something concrete to compare.