Learning to Love the Legacy I’ll Leave

Recently, a compliment was passed to me through the grapevine, regarding my writing. Not only did it come out of the blue, but since I haven’t posted anything for close to two months, I was unclear (yet pleased) where this had come from.

Almost daily, since my last post, I’ve tried to write something. Anything. And for at least the first half of October, I did. Nothing I expanded upon, nothing finished, nothing to the standard or caliber I wanted it to be, but still, it was something. Something to get the thoughts out of my head, and hopefully out of my mind.

One year ago, a guest blog I wrote on the topic of fear was published. Coincidentally, the person who published it only posts on Tuesdays, which just so happened to be my actual birthday. A serendipitous event that was both a jumping-off point, and yet perhaps not as earth-shattering as I had anticipated.

I always want things to be bigger than they are. I hope that everything has such immense importance, when the reality is that most things are simply small. That’s not to say that small isn’t important; it may even be better to have a bunch of small events leading up to a big finish. But the fact that the things that happen don’t seem to hold much weight is a sign I’m looking at them wrong.

“What matters isn’t if people are good or bad. What matters is if they’re trying to be better today than they were yesterday.”

I’m trying. I worry I’m not trying hard enough, or going fast enough, but I’m trying to be better because I need to feel a sense of accomplishment and peace. I don’t plan on having children, so I won’t live on in that way. The imprint I leave on people is probably all I have to leave behind, and I sincerely hope it’s positive.

Today, in a way, is proof that it is. I received numerous birthday messages, including one that read: “Happy birthday, you beautiful girl, and you beautiful soul! I’m glad the stars aligned and we got to meet one another.”

I often wonder if people understand how much impact their words have. When it’s negative, the results can be devastating. But when it’s positive, like this… when it’s heartfelt, it’s the most meaningful thing in the world.

One year ago I wasn’t sure where exactly I’d be today. A lot has happened, and it often felt like every step forward was met with two steps back. However, pushing through taught me about resilience. There are so many times I wanted to give up. So many times I thought I had hit bottom, only to feel like I was still falling.

I’m still not sure where I’m headed, but at least I know where I’m headed away from.