Untitled Musings, Pt. 1

Valentine’s Day. National Random Acts of Kindness Day. National Love Your Pet Day. The shortest month is packed with days devoted to showing love and kindness.

And yet… showing that to myself has been hard. Years of self conditioning had me believing that I don’t deserve love, kindness, and respect, least of all from myself.

One year ago today, an evening with four people and four bottles of wine ended in what I now consider hitting rock bottom. One moment I was fine; the next, the bottle of wine hit me and every negative thought I’d had over the previous several years bubbled to the surface and out of my mouth. Every thought I’d worked to repress spilled out. Uncontrollably. In front of people!

And since that year was a leap year, I had an extra day to beat myself up over the events of that night.

A few weeks later, our world changed into its current anomalistic state. More than ever, self-care was eminently important.

But it still took some time to admit that I had to take serious steps forward to correct what I was struggling with. I actually had to confront, instead of bury, certain truths. Look where ignoring them had gotten me.

Around this time, I decided to “shoot my shot” and start this blog – even though I didn’t really know what I was doing – because I needed to do something, for me.

Other people would open up about their mental health, and get praised. I didn’t do it for praise. In fact, when I’d previously opened up to people, I almost always immediately regretted it.

Feeling like a burden really reiterated my desire to not be seen as one. After all, who wants to be around someone who’s unhappy or negative? Unfortunately, when things are buried deep down, they have a way of exploding out.

Starting this blog was a lifeline. A way to put my thoughts out there but not feel like a burden. A chance to help others feel less alone. A way to practice writing and articulating. A tiny creative outlet, a place just for me.

I also wanted a tangible record, so that I could pay attention to how far I’ve come, even when it’s not always so readily apparent. While I often cringe when looking at earlier works, it’s still nice to have a way to measure, to see improvement.

Even a small step forward is better than standing still.