Besides Being Grateful, Be Aware

“Are you still writing?”

A seemingly simple question should have a simple answer: yes or no. But for someone who overthinks, there is no such thing as a simple question. And for someone who likes to explain, there is no simple answer. Am I still writing? Yes. Every day. But it’s stream of consciousness; not fully formed or fleshed out.

Almost 4 months ago was both my last “normal day”, and also the day everything changed. At the time, of course, I didn’t realize this; things had changed on a dime and weren’t normal, but I didn’t yet know the extent of the problem. Almost 4 months later, and my recovery is so slow. I feel almost useless, but also have an excuse, a legitimate excuse, to feel this way.

I was finally cleared to exercise, and that happened to coincide with the first of the month, so I began again. A(nother) new beginning. After 3 months of being sedentary, I tried to give myself permission to start slow, because at least it’s a start. And that’s usually the part that trips me up: starting. Doing. Finishing.

I recently listened to someone’s account of their PTSD, and they said “I didn’t know how to function.” That’s how this whole situation feels. I don’t know how to function. I don’t know how to be ok with this being my life.

A few weeks have passed since I began writing this; since then, I had another surgery. Sort of. What should have been a 15 minute procedure lasted two hours, and was unsuccessful. All the things I was cleared to do a few weeks ago, I’m now no longer allowed to do.

No exercise. No lifting, pulling, pushing. My back hurts more from this procedure then from the two spinal surgeries I had. Or maybe I just notice it more because I’m not on pain meds.

I’ve had three separate people compliment me over the last few days about how strong I am; how proud they are of me, how I’m doing an amazing job. For someone who needs affirmations from others, I have a hard time believing them.

They say I’m strong, but I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want to be dealing with these things that I can barely talk about and I definitely don’t want to have a(n invisible) disability and have to alter my way of living. I keep hoping my healing timeline is just longer and slower than any of us realized and it will happen. But I’m honestly scared it won’t.

I’m terrified that by even saying that, or writing it, it’ll manifest into becoming true. I wouldn’t wish these issues on anyone, and find myself often asking… why?

Why is this happening? Do I deserve this?

But the sick, sad truth is… there’s no rhyme or reason. Life can just be terribly unfair. Things just happen, and it’s our reactions that help shape us.

I often think back to all of the times in my past where I wasn’t sure I’d make it through… and somehow, here I am. Past the onset of my OCD, when I was 16 and couldn’t touch anything –anything– without a barrier. Past losing my soulmate, as well as a piece of me. I survived losing one of my best friends, who was like a brother to me. I even made it through the height of the pandemic, or as I like to call it: OCD 2.0: The Relapse.

A nurse called to check up on me recently. Halfway through our conversation, he said not to lose my sense of humor. I replied, “My dark sense of humor?” His response was, “We have the same kind, and it’s what will help get you through this.”

Even knowing that, it doesn’t always help. I’m tired of bursting into tears. I’m tired of not being able to do things I used to without even thinking about it. I’m tired of feeling isolated, even though I’ve found a support group and many people have it even worse than I do. I’m tired of writing these “I” statements. I’m physically and emotionally drained.

I sincerely hope that the people who tell me that one day I’ll look back on this experience once I’ve come out the other side are right. I hope that this setback is temporary and not permanent, because I’m not ready to make these lifestyle changes permanent.

Be grateful for what you have. My mindset coach told me this. Actually, lot of people say this: Find Gratitude. But honestly? I’d say Be Aware.

Be aware of what you’re able to do, without even thinking about it. Once limits are set, and you can no longer do those things automatically anymore, it throws everything you once knew into turmoil. Slowly, I’d like to think I’m coming around. These feelings, like recovery, are slow. But they’re still progress.