Recovery and Reflection

The last few months have been largely about recovery and reflection, neither of which seem to be going the way I would have hoped. 

Recovery:

Slow healing is better than no healing, but it’s still frustrating. To lose everything in an instant, one would hope the reverse would also be true. Instead, it’s a long, slow climb to get back to where things were.

And of course, since it’s still in “the early stages”, there’s no guarantee things will go back. It’s been five months, which feels like forever. But that’s not even 25% of the timeline given. 

It’s so hard to not feel negative emotions. Anger, sadness, frustration. The expectation was instant change. And yet…

Having expectations is the quickest route to disappointment.

Knowing this, you’d think I’d adjust those expectations. Or stop having them altogether. 

But I’m a dreamer. So busy dreaming, I forget to take the action steps to make that dream a reality. So stuck inside my own head, that those are the thoughts that manifest and bleed into existence. 

Instead of focusing on what my body is still not (yet) able to do, maybe I should focus on how far I’ve come over these last few months. 

They may be little milestones, but they’re progress in the right direction. 

Reflection: 

“Failure’s part of the process.”

A successful businessman said this last night. Or rather, an actor quoted a script and I heard it in syndication last night. 

One of the biggest draws of getting out of my head is that I can see things as they are, not as I am. 

I’ve mentioned how I don’t tend to see any progress, because it’s gradual and not immediate. 

And yet, if I look back to one year ago, I can see how far I’ve come. 

One year ago, I was in the throes of what I consider a very deep depression. My long-time therapist didn’t think I was depressed, and that’s why it took me a long time to admit that I probably was. 

One year ago we were in the earlier stages of a global pandemic. I was miserable in a toxic job environment. I couldn’t see any way out.

Even when I took the plunge and tried to take strides towards a different future, I’d fail. This was evident by the fact that after so much time, nothing had really changed.

“Failure’s part of the process.”

I used to believe that failure was a learning experience, until I found myself dealing with a toxic person whose reaction to failure was so over the top, it changed my viewpoint. 

If failure meant I would be screamed at and humiliated in front of as many people as possible, better to do whatever it took to not fail. Instead of learning from mistakes, I only learned to do whatever it took to not make them in the first place.

I became so terrified of failure that I couldn’t try anything new. And so the circle continued….

That situation taught me nothing… except what I don’t want.

“You can’t heal in the same environment you got sick in.”

As terrified as I was of failure, as much as I had failed up to that point, I knew I had to get out, one way or another. The last time I had felt this way, the decision ended up being made for me.

This time, I wanted to be in control.

Instead of being overwhelmed at all of the things that needed to change, I had to focus on one aspect at a time.

One year later, I have a new job, where people are encouraging.

I learned to drive and got my license.

My long-term partner became my betrothed (I still struggle with using the “f’ word).

One year ago, I didn’t think I’d be here, in any sense.

All I saw back then was darkness. It was one of the reasons I started sharing these thoughts, terrifying as it still is. It’s a process that’s about as long as my body’s recovery.

Little milestones, but at least I’m headed in the right direction.