Life
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The Lion’s Gate Portal
Something in the air has shifted. Besides the fact that storms are rolling in, so it’s literally 20 degrees cooler than it has been, there’s also the astrological component. Today is the eight day of the eight month, and 2024 adds up to eight. If you believe in angel numbers, this is supposed to be a big event. All about manifestation and putting out good juju into the world. Interestingly, I first heard about this from a zodiac specific account I follow, which talked about the Lion’s Gate Portal and why it’s extra special this year, especially for my sign. It briefly touched upon new beginnings in abundance. I don’t know…
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One Year Down, a Lifetime To Go
One year ago, my phone rang. “Dad” flashed across the screen, and I wondered… would I hear his voice on the other end? It was the same thought I had every time he called, and it had been that way for several years. Usually, I would be greeted with his low voice, saying, “hi Missy.” But this time the voice on the other end was softer, southern, feminine. And immediately, I knew. The call was to let me know that he was finally gone. What he wanted for so long had finally happened… but not in the way he had thought it might. Not in the way any of us…
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Trying Again
Day one or one day? What am I even waiting for? That perfect moment that I know doesn’t exist? For some inexplicable reason, I always feel that everything I want to do needs to have such meaning. Why do I feel like everything has to be weighted in such importance? I highly doubt my miniscule existence even matters in the grand scheme of things. This feeling seems to affect everything I do… or don’t do. My feelings and thoughts betray me. I can’t just post something because I wrote it and want to share. No, I have to post at the perfect day, at the perfect time. Just doing it…
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Out with the Old, In with the New
Seems like this is the year where everyone is doing these In and Out lists… once reserved for magazines and blogs, people are now using it as a way of making resolutions without actually saying that word, maybe tricking themselves into keeping with it for longer than one month. I have resolutions too, but it’s not so much “new year, new me,” but rather, becoming the me I want to be and, for whatever reason, don’t allow myself to be. I overanalyze everything. And unfortunately, that means I rarely act, because I’m too busy thinking through every possible scenario, outcome, and reaction. The reality in my head has become my…
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Amends: A Way to Better Yourself, or Simply a Buffy Episode?
If Yom Kippur is the Day of Atonement, and in a way is about making amends, perhaps the most important person to make amends with this year, is myself. I remember reading the article Someone reported worker to HR for being mean to herself, and while the woman was awful to herself, it didn’t even hold a candle to the things I’ve said to my own face. What started as self-deprecation quickly lost its humor and simply became scorn. The things I had once said in jest became things I actually believed to be truth. And I’m not the only person I need to make amends to. None of us are…
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Memorializing on Memorial Day
For days, I have been trying to figure out what to say. I was every writers block cliché, where the writer sits in front of an empty page, or an empty screen, and after hours and hours of “work”, they cut to the paper, or the screen, and mayyyybbbbeeeee there’s a title written down. I’m not even sure why it ‘s so important for me to write. Maybe to get out of my own head for a bit. Maybe to try to memorialize who my dad was. Maybe it’s because my domain just renewed, and I must have previously had a promotional fee, because this charge was through the roof,…
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He Did It His Way
That’s one of many things he taught me; to live life authentically, and unapologetically. To live life for you, and no one else.
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Plateau or Progress?
It’s been exactly two years and two days since my (first) surgery. Two years to the day for my second. Over the last week, it’s hit really hard, as it periodically does. Everything will be moving forward, and then something will happen to push back progress. Sometimes it’s a physical setback. Sometimes, it’s mental. Often, it’s both. Last week, while trying to prove my worth, I overexerted myself and hurt my back – not to the point of where I was several years ago, but enough for it to affect me both mentally and physically. Enough for the people around me to notice that something was up. I came home…
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New Year, Still Me. Cheers to 2023.
Three years ago, everyone walked into the new year with such high hopes. Those were dashed pretty quickly. 2020 was written off as a loss, due to a global pandemic and too many environmental and social injustices. 2021 brought my infamous ER visit, emergency spinal surgery (x2), and hospital stay (x2). 2022 was a year of healing. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I felt more like myself than I have in the last decade, even though I am completely different. Last year, I started physical therapy. I healed more than I thought I would when I first got released from the hospital, and yet haven’t healed as much as I had hoped. Who knows…
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See Me As I Am, Not as I See Myself
For the last few months, I’ve been trying to hide. Uncomfortable with all eyes on me, I’ve often changed or toned down things to appease others. I’ve hidden parts of myself that I found… unsavory. I haven’t even posted anything because I didn’t think anything I wrote was good, or any thoughts I had were valid. A part of it is being a perfectionist while trying to be everything to everyone else. I’m never included in the collective everyone, and yet, I should be high up on my own list. It’s not selfish. Even though I’ve been told it is. Unless others want to put me first, why shouldn’t I?…