Mental Health
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Trying Again
Day one or one day? What am I even waiting for? That perfect moment that I know doesn’t exist? For some inexplicable reason, I always feel that everything I want to do needs to have such meaning. Why do I feel like everything has to be weighted in such importance? I highly doubt my miniscule existence even matters in the grand scheme of things. This feeling seems to affect everything I do… or don’t do. My feelings and thoughts betray me. I can’t just post something because I wrote it and want to share. No, I have to post at the perfect day, at the perfect time. Just doing it…
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Plateau or Progress?
It’s been exactly two years and two days since my (first) surgery. Two years to the day for my second. Over the last week, it’s hit really hard, as it periodically does. Everything will be moving forward, and then something will happen to push back progress. Sometimes it’s a physical setback. Sometimes, it’s mental. Often, it’s both. Last week, while trying to prove my worth, I overexerted myself and hurt my back – not to the point of where I was several years ago, but enough for it to affect me both mentally and physically. Enough for the people around me to notice that something was up. I came home…
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See Me As I Am, Not as I See Myself
For the last few months, I’ve been trying to hide. Uncomfortable with all eyes on me, I’ve often changed or toned down things to appease others. I’ve hidden parts of myself that I found… unsavory. I haven’t even posted anything because I didn’t think anything I wrote was good, or any thoughts I had were valid. A part of it is being a perfectionist while trying to be everything to everyone else. I’m never included in the collective everyone, and yet, I should be high up on my own list. It’s not selfish. Even though I’ve been told it is. Unless others want to put me first, why shouldn’t I?…
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Make Way For May
Ever have a day with an insurmountable to do list, and instead of checking anything off of it, you take a nap? Rest. Self-care. Relaxation. In a state of almost meditation. This was my Sunday. Fitting for Mental Health Awareness month. There’s so much to do, to reflect on, and to push forward with, this month and always. It’s been awhile since I’ve written, and I think it’s because I haven’t wanted to be alone with my thoughts. Over the last three months, I took myself out of my comfort zone (a.k.a. home) by leaving it. Road trip to NC. Brunch with the girls. Axe throwing. A NYC excursion (food and…
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There is No Band-Aid For Happiness
Today’s point of gratitude is simple: I’m grateful for my current job. Of course, in order to understand why this job is a breath of fresh air, I have to go back and recount the road to getting there. My first “real” (read: office) job was an interesting experience. I was good enough to be offered a promotion after 6 months (not taken, as the new position wasn’t a job I was interested in). One year after that, I was let go, seemingly out of nowhere. Being young, this really messed with my head. My next job, on the surface, was a dream. And I excelled at it. One year,…
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Change Is Constant, Yet Things Remain The Same
Recently, it came to light that certain creators recycle their content. I couldn’t figure out why, until now, because I’m about to do the same thing. It’s been 8 weeks since my surgeries. Has there been one day since then that I haven’t cried? This week, one of my doctors told me that after 6-7 weeks, he doesn’t think I’ll regain feeling. Another doctor told me it would take between 3-6 months. No one really knows what they’re talking about, do they? The art of science…. Trying to recover, both physically and mentally, has been draining. Thinking about all of the things I would do if/when, makes me feel bad…
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Untitled Musings, Pt. 1
Valentine’s Day. National Random Acts of Kindness Day. National Love Your Pet Day. The shortest month is packed with days devoted to showing love and kindness. And yet… showing that to myself has been hard. Years of self conditioning had me believing that I don’t deserve love, kindness, and respect, least of all from myself. One year ago today, an evening with four people and four bottles of wine ended in what I now consider hitting rock bottom. One moment I was fine; the next, the bottle of wine hit me and every negative thought I’d had over the previous several years bubbled to the surface and out of my…
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Progress Begins on the Other Side of Comfort
What’s the point? The seemingly existential question of life, it’s also a question I’ve been asked regarding this blog. What’s the point? The goal? The endgame? Why am I doing this? The answer probably needs to be condensed, more concise, but the why is so layered. It started as a way to do something for me. A form of self-care, if you will. So many thoughts in my head, competing for attention, that I needed a place to get them out. For at least one year, I had debated starting a blog, and people were so supportive of the idea, that I finally decided to actually do it – instead…